mourning..

salaam..

about a month ago, i got back in contact with my schoolmate from SMK Sultan Sulaiman..
she and i were close at first, but something came in our way,
and broke our friendship apart..
even when i moved to another school, i didn't say goodbye to her..
for 5 years, we could see each other commenting on our schoolmates' FB..
but none of us had the guts to say hi till now..
she's now studying in Egypt.. & is now back for the holidays..
but when she got back, she posted a picture of a grave..
and from the blurred picture, i guessed out a name, but didn't want to believe it..
it is her cousin's grave.. my ex's sister..

my heart sank..
she must've been around our age..
so i started to look for answers.. and found out she died of asthma..
another kick to the gut..
to make it worse, she was an IIUM law graduate..
and passed away a few weeks after she graduated..
T.T

when i saw the video that her cousins made for her,
i couldn't hold back my tears when i saw the picture of both her parents and her during her graduation..
all of them was so happy, she was so happy, not knowing that that was her last present for her parents.. gosh, i'm still crying now..

i never knew her..
i only know her cousin & brother..
but i'm not so sure why, i could feel sad when i think of her..

and now every time my breathing gets tight,
i don't wait for long to get my inhaler like i used to..
and it scares me to death realizing that my asthma is getting worse..
and his asthma is getting worse too..
and the possibility of me having an asthmatic child is up to the roof..
and i start to overthink about everything once again..

to lose a loved one..
to be honest, it takes time for me to get better when my cat died..
i still regret not being okay with an estranged teammate & still can't believe that he's dead..
and it took me a week to finally cry and accepted the fact that an uncle who took care of me had passed away..
that's only an owner losing a cat.. knowing someone who has died.. a niece losing an uncle..
i'm sure it is nothing compared to cousins losing another..
a brother losing a sister..
and worse, a parent losing a child..

i have this saying..
we children, dread the day when our parents are going to leave us forever.. but we know, whether we want it or not, it will come one day..
but parents, have programmed in their minds that their children will outlive them.. they don't plan to attend their child's funeral.. :'(
however,
kullu nafsin zaaikatul maut.. every soul shall have the taste of death..
and we can't plan when or where or how we leave the surface of the Earth..

al-Fatihah to her.. and him.. and him..

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