it just crossed my mind..

after watching Nur Kasih the movie,
and cried at almost like every sad scene..
this thought suddenly crossed my mind..

in the movie, Adam & Nur were trying so hard to have a child..
this situation is not "something new" for me..
i kinda grew up with it..
my parents went through it.. my uncles & aunts.. my cousins..
all the devastation, frustration..
the feeling of giving up every time they failed..
all the hope that they have when they finally conceive..
and how it's crushed when something bad happened..
and of course, the joy and happiness once their biggest dream came true..

the pain in my lower back this morning somehow made me think..
the doctor once said that i might have complications when i conceive in the future..
yes, i know, it's too early to think about all this..
but hey, i'm a girl.. we overthink sometimes..
due to an injury during taekwondo that i had when i was 13..
but the pain was only detected two years later..
and the injury got worse due to horse-riding..
and the official diagnosis was confirmed when i was 17..
"kalau awak biar je ni, susah mase awk mngandung nnt"
yeah, a slightly bent backbone..
i can't find the right spelling for it..
once in a while i can still feel the pain, which worsens under pressure..

what if, this condition makes it difficult for me to have my on child?
it'll crush my dreams of being a mother..
and it'll be worse to let my husband down..
GEEZ! I'M REALLY OVERTHINKING, HUH?
fuhh.. please hope that i wont fall down, get kicked in the waist,
or any other injuries that may cause it to worsen..
and maybe have me unable to walk..Ya Allah, give me ONE chance to have at least a taste of this joy of life.. :)